Hi blog. seems like I totally ran out of steam with working on this site. Bummer. I was super into it for like 2 weeks. I guess I can't tell when something is just a whim that will end shortly or if its something I'm actually interested in. Well, I'll keep writing this blog i guess. it's kinda nice to put my thoughts out in the world even if nobody's readin it. sooo i'll just tell ya how my lifes been going lately.

things have been.. ok! i was pretty miserable for a bit there but now im doing alrightish. i went to a friends birthday party. talked someones ear off about videogames and probably annoyed them because they left pretty early. oopsie lol. got into a wrestling match with a taller woman who kicked my ass and then made out with me. living every lesbian's dream i think. haha. i guess we're friends now but she lives pretty far so like not gonna be able to hang out more than once in a blue moon. bit of a bummer. uhh thats the only major thing going on.

oh yeah ive been reading more of higurashi. it took a while to actually catch my interest but once it got freaky ive been super into it. it might just be peak. but i'll reserve my judgement for when i actually finish it. also my occasional urge to play a citybuilder has flared up again. now im playing corsair cove. a new pirate-themed citybuilder. dont really care for it much. i feel like most citybuilders kinda suck but something about them compels me anyway. this one feels really egregious about making you deliver resorces from across the map and not really offering any good means of actually doing that.

today i assembled a little rolling cart thingy for my mom's coworker? whenever anyone needs something assembled im the one they call. and now i guess im doing it for my moms coworkers. i truly dont know what everyone finds so difficult about it. like the instructions arent always great but seriously its not like its hard. but everyone just gives up without even trying and calls me to do it for them. other than that ive mostly just been taking care of my grandparents. which doesnt actually entail very much i'm mostly just an errand runner. also, unrelated but the cashier at the supermarket was flirting with me like craaaazy the other day. i totally shut her down. didnt care lol. anyway thats all i got. until next time.

Life has been bad and shitty. Here's what I meant to write last week.

There was this girl I knew, years ago. I guess we were friends for a while. She has me blocked now but thats a different story. But I've been thinking about her recently. She just had this.. complete confidence. Certainty in herself and unwavering refusal to be anyone but herself. She called it "being [her] own person". It's hard to define exactly what that meant, but I'll try anyway.

She was confident and assured and she knew what she exactly wanted out of life and pursued it. She knew who she was and refused be anyone else. Never letting her opinions be influenced by what everyone else thinks, never doing things just because other people did them, never appeasing others at her own expense, never changing any part of herself to fit in with a group, et cetera. Everything that she did, every piece of her personality, every word she said, all of it felt intentional and deliberate, and in line with her own self-image. Writing about it makes it impossible to convey the sheer force of her personality but I hope you get the picture.

At the time I mostly just thought she was really cool and was intimidated by her. But lately I've really been admiring how she acted. I guess I have a lot of trouble "being my own person". I spend too much of my life doing things for people because I'm too scared to say no to them. I do things because other people want me to and I have wasted my life trying to do whatever I can to fit in. Making myself a doormat to be trampled over. And oftentimes I find myself acting in ways that make people like me more, even though it's at odds with my self-image.

All in all I've doing a pretty terrible job of being my own person. So lately I've been trying to follow that girl's example. Not copying her (that would be a pretty bad way to be my own person). Just taking a page out of her book. Knowing who I want to be, being myself deliberately, not being a people-pleaser and not caring what anyone else thinks. Having an image of the person I mean to be and acting accordingly. It's not easy. But when I manage to do it I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I've spent my whole life feeling so ashamed of everything about myself but this is the first thing that's actually helped me get over that, even a little.

I'm sure that girl must have had her own insecurities that I just never saw. I didn't really know her very well. The fact that she even had a phrase to describe this meant it must have been something she consciously chose to do. Maybe she struggled with it too at first. I dunno. But I'm glad I met her, even if she maybe hates me now (lol). And hopefully, sometime in the future, someone else can benefit from seeing me be my own person.

This was originally gonna be a totally different topic but I just need to vent. Life's been really hard lately. I'm barely dragging myself out of bed and nothing is interesting at all. Its pretty much lie in bed until I get too bored to continue, then sit at my computer and doomscroll until I get too tired and go back to bed. I spent last week so fired up about making this site and now I already can't be bothered to work on it more. lol. None of my videogames sound interesting and when I manage to force myself to play one i stop after like 30 minutes. I haven't gone outside since wednesday when I went to the dentist. I told him my tooth was hurting like crazy and we was like thats weird and didnt do anything about it. lol. Also saw End of Evangelion in theaters that was pretty cool. There was this girl sitting next to me in the theater and I got so mad at her because she was like dancing in her seat when komm susser todd started playing. It wasn't so much that she was being distracting (she was though) but more like. Envy. That she could express herself like that in public without caring what people would think of her. I just couldnt bring myself to do something like that ever.

Anyway I digress. I guess my main problem is I'm really lonely. I cut off a friend because I couldn't stand being around her but that means I also don't get to see any of the people that she knew. Now I'm back down to just one person that I talk to regularly. I had a few other friends but I lost interest in them and we drifted apart. A few other people whose discords I have but we've never texted. I could reach out to any of them but. I guess im too nervous. It always feels like i'm gonna be intruding. like even if they do wanna talk to me i would be texting at an inopportune time and just be an annoyance to them. which like doesnt even make sense but thats what i convince myself of. but whatever. socializing and making friends has never been easy for me. i usually dont like being around people in general. this week i skipped out on the only social event i have available to me. lol. felt like a waste of time but now i have nothing to do and nobody to be around. just doing nothing all day and crying alone in my room.

i really don't want to be the kind of person who wallows in self-pity like this. my excuse is that maybe expressing my insecurities is more helpful in overcoming them than just denying them outright. at least i hope thats the case.

So! havent really properly blogged before so im just gonna feel it out i guess. its been such a busy week! my car broke down and i had to get it towed. at least i wasnt heading anywhere important but damn. expensive as hell to get it fixed. and it already broke down a few months ago :/ something something, ignition coils died, idfk. it shouldnt break down again any time soon but its an old car so who knows!! cut off a shitty friend cuz she was shitty. feel like a huge bitch for it. and maybe i am but idgaf. but yknow that was like, pretty emotionally draining i guess. saw another friend on the weekend. it was pretty nice. she seemed very genuinely happy to see me. had to build a bookcase for my brother who apparently cant do it himself and also has a super short temper and freaks out over the tiniest things. so naturally he got really mad that the bookshelf wasnt very high quality and didnt look exactly like he hoped. he called me the next day to apologize for freaking out and said that it was fine actually. he's just like that. i dont let it get to me but yknow its still pretty stressful to be in the same room as someone whos totally fuming. anyway. tried going to some support group and it suuuucked because i cant talk to people and im really bad with groups. felt super awkward so i left lol. then on a whim i decided to play the game Rhythm Heaven Fever. emulated on my pc. suuuper fun. i didnt even realize a brand new rhythm heaven game just came out lol. and then i finally decided to start reading the visual novel higurashi. its been sitting on my computer for 3 years but i finally had the willpower to start it. so maybe i'll finish it by 2028. and then i decided i would try neocities again and this time im actually putting in some effort to figure out the coding and such. that was 2 days ago. then yesterday my sister in law decided she would teach me how to bake a pie. that was sorta fun. we made an apple pie and a peach-blueberry pie. both turned out pretty yummy. shes like. an extremely careless and clumsy person. like goddamn. im so meticulous with everything it was kinda hard to watch her do stuff. buuut whatever i guess it turned out fine all the same. ALSO ive had a hell of a toothache all week. but i have a dentist appointment next week so yknow like hopefully i can get that dealt with. and hopefully it isnt a thousand bucks :/ anyway thats all i got. i think maybe i'll do weekly updates for this thing? or maybe i wont lol. im gonna go play more rhythm heaven now.